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We were fags.We read tattered secondhand sci-fi books, horror books by Stephen King, and we wrote shitty poetry, graffitied dicks and balls, tags, band names and haikus on bathroom stalls and played in shitty basement bands full of out-of-tune, distorted guitars, off-tempo drumming and shrieking tone deaf vocals; our punk covers so horrendous they’d make Kurt Cobain want to shoot himself again.Fags.This was before school shootings, mass shootings were a regular occurrence.Probably one or two of us would have shot people, given the chance, like probably that balding asshole, beer gut vice principal or the burning breath teacher who verbally abused us, turned his back on the bullying.Or maybe we’d have blasted a jock or two, shot up a football or basketball game, if we had the opportunity, had the idea, but it didn’t really register as a thing back then.Like, why would we? We’d rather hang at home, smoke weed, strum guitars, and play video games, shoot people in video games.At least in. It was actually fun to dance like a woman; it felt freeingand it made me feel ethereal somehow. I felt like a butterfly in thesummer sky.I also thought a lot about what is going on. How it went from methinking of Helen as 'her'; she does not even have a name to meanymore. I am just going to have to move on from 'her' when this isdone.I have been thinking of this lately, I thought of women's fashion, howit is so much better than men's. How it is about expressing oneselfinstead of being utilitarian like men's fashion. I think it helps themexpress their feelings for they can wear what they feel. They feelsexy? A dress with a high hemline; they feel cozy? An oversizesweatshirt with leggings.The day was going well for me until supper. While serving supper, sheinvited me to eat with her again, and I said 'yes', for I could notthink of a reason not to right away. At supper she told me she hadanother surprise for me. I held in my contempt for her; she reallyseemed to think that I was going.
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